Written by: Maria Shishkova Managing Partner, AIMS Bulgaria
You’ve probably heard this phrase before, haven’t you? If you first encountered it later in life, after growing up in a culture that genuinely appreciated others' contributions, it might have felt perplexing. But if this idea was introduced early on, you may now use it automatically—even if you once resented it.
As we reflect on the recent season of annual performance evaluations, the importance of fostering a culture of open and honest feedback becomes clearer. In a world grappling with economic, business, political, and health challenges, this culture is no longer optional—it’s essential.
What Blocks Us from Offering Motivating Feedback?
Revisiting Early Influences
Think back to the “educators” in your life—whether from business, family, or school. Who shaped your approach to giving feedback? Often, we unconsciously replicate patterns we disliked simply because they’ve been imprinted on us. Changing these ingrained habits requires persistent introspection and effort, choosing what’s right over what feels familiar.
Your Behavioral Profile
If you identify strongly with a dominant, ambitious "red" personality—someone focused intensely on competition, results, or personal achievements—you might find yourself defaulting to criticism. This tendency, likely reinforced by early praise from others for your drive, can surface repeatedly, especially if this “red” isn’t balanced with softer traits.
Cultural Conditioning
Do you recall the old adage that children should only be kissed at bedtime? Generational and cultural narratives often create deep-seated overlays that feel nearly impossible to overcome—like walking against a hurricane. But overcoming these ingrained habits is crucial for growth.
What Can We Do Instead?
The goal isn’t just to avoid criticism but to foster loyalty, commitment, experimentation, and risk-taking—the very attitudes and skills most in demand today. Here’s how:
Self-Reflection
Look in the mirror—metaphorically and literally—and assess how much the above reasons resonate with your behavior. Identifying these tendencies is the first step toward meaningful change.
Learn to Praise Effectively
Praise, when miscommunicated, can sometimes sound like criticism to the recipient. Seek out resources, work with a trusted mentor or coach, and practice delivering feedback that uplifts without undermining.
Challenge the Bias Toward Criticism
Examine the beliefs and emotions driving your tendency to focus on negatives. If the results of your interactions aren’t what you hoped for, trace back to the root causes. Adjusting your mindset can shift your actions and, ultimately, the outcomes.
Model Positive Behaviors
Observe people who inspire and empower others while achieving exceptional results. Study their approach, emulate what resonates with you, and when faced with uncertainty, ask yourself: “How would they handle this?”
Celebrate Yourself
Self-criticism is like a resilient weed—the more you cut it, the faster it grows back. Dissatisfaction with ourselves often fuels our critical nature toward others. Instead, practice sincere self-appreciation. Recognizing your own value allows you to extend that same generosity to those around you.
Changing deeply ingrained habits isn’t easy, but it’s worth the effort. When we choose to praise with sincerity, critique with care, and empower with intention, we not only uplift others but create a legacy of trust and growth.